Hands Full of Glitter and Tofu : 2011 Day 237 - Back in the Cubicle o' Death and Ennui

I woke up this morning oddly ready to go to work, and feeling considerably better (although at the time of writing this mid afternoon, I am feeling a little less than fabulous darling; it would be a whole lot less glitter kitten-ish save for a can of Pepsi Max earlier), but also feeling oddly like my life isn't where I want it to be at all, save for the relationship with my gorgeous guy and my friends.

Career-wise, I have been increasingly feeling like the road has ended where I am, but I am uncertain where to go next. In the past I used to just take a flying leap at the prettiest opportunity glittering nearby but after the horrible events at work in late April, I decided it was high time I started being far more pro-active, and so I start working frenetically on my novel. Now while I am a man of great optimism, and positive belief in the future, I can also be prone to just as much panic and fear (all irrational of course) and I am finding it hard to stay strong in the belief that the novel is the way forward. There is still much work to be done on the novel, I keep reading that you should never publish your first novel (too bad - its the start of my trilogy), and I have recently hit somewhat of a quagmire that's slowed my creative momentum (largely caused by long work hours, and sickness).

So add in my disenchantment with my job but uncertainty of what to do next, fear that the novel won't pan out as a legitimate life step, and a general unease I am not doing a good enough job of living my life, which speaks very much to my upbringin in the church where life was less about enjoying the experience/the journey, and much more about what you managed to achieve. I still want to achieve things but I want to ENJOY the journey. I have grown so much, and healed so many old wounds but there is still this nagging sense I am not where I should be, and I wish I could just enjoy what I am doing for the pure joy of doing it.

But right now, as I attempt to work a normal day while still feeling the after effects of my cold, I just want to sleep. That will do for now and I can re-invent my life tomorrow I think....