Hands Full of Glitter and Tofu : 2011 Day 197 (Saturday 16 July) - Ruminations on Life

It is odd how my psyche works at times.


Well not odd really so much as unexpected. I can be aware say that I have a lot going on, from joining a wonderful new writers group - thanks spidersgroup, you are fab - to trying to get my first novel edited, converted to HTML for ebook publication with all the attendant stuff like covers, blogs etc that need to be done for that... and yet... AND YET... still be surprised when all the stress catches up to me and I fall into a quivering existential mass on the ground.


Instead of waking this morning completely happy to be in the arms of the man I love and relaxed that a non-work day beckoned, a part of me was quaking in the background fearful that the novel wasn't good enough, that I had a million and one things and only a finite amount of linear time to do it in, and that I had placed so much faith in my writing to deliver my hoped for golden future that what if I am like those contestants on Australian Idol who are told by all their friends and family that they sing like an angel only to be told by the judges they sing like demons with a head cold? What if I don't write as well as I think I do; or rather hope I do since like all creative people, I can have very little faith in what I create at times, and think that it could always be better.

I tried to shake this fear but couldn't, and it didn't help that I tried to edit the first chapter while my beautiful man tried to wake up, and started making tweaks here and there resulting in me feeling like it was no good after all, and that all my fears that I couldn't make it as a writer were valid. It did help that my friend Sammi said the novel was quirky, funny and intelligent after just reading the first few pages of the first chapter, and my gorgeous guy was, as always amazingly supportive and calm (reminding me I should be enjoying my creative life, and my journey to being published; not fretting over imaginary ghosts that may or likely aren't haunting me), but I couldn't shake this sense that it won't work out as I hoped, and all is lost.


A nap and a brilliant night out with my dear friends Warren, Ian and Peter, along with my gorgeous guy helped, at Delhi o Delhi in Erskineville helped to clear out the funk but it wasn't till Sunday afternoon that I finally worked out what going on - I was sitting around effectively waiting for the other foot to drop. I had forgotten a basic lesson I learned years ago that life is always unfinished and that if you sit around nervously waiting for everything to slot into place that you will never truly ever enjoy anything. The thing is, we're always a work in progress, even the big ticket mega-important stuff like realising your talent and publishing your first novel, and it's no point holding your breath waiting for it all to happen because you'll turn blue, pass out and die before you do. I need to remind myself that life is ongoing, that I am making progress, and that all will be well.

In the meantime, I need to enjoy myself, savour the new albums from Junior Boys and Unknown Mortal Orchestra, read my book, lie on the couch and relax because life is happening, it's going somewhere, and I should enjoy it.