Hands Full of Glitter and Tofu : 2011 Day 143 - Monday and I Must Do Something...and Soon
Time is tick-tick-tockin' away!
No great revelation there - this year has screamed by like a frenzied zombie mob out for fresh flesh (it feels like that too!) - but I felt very keeningly again this morning as I got off the bus at work, sighed very heavily and walked into the main reception building trying to sum even a modicum of excitement at being here.
In short, I am bored, restless, and uncertain of the next step forward career-wise. It is definitely time to move on but I am not sure where, and it's causing me no end of anxiety. I know I want to be a writer, and if I could have exactly what I wish for, I'd be a novelist riding a wave of massive popularity as my Indio Zoop novels become all the rage. I know in my heart of hearts that where I need to head, and with two novels in the trilogy actually written, it's no pipe dream. I can write a novel, I have proven that, and according to those who have read them very good ones (as a creative type, I am very hard on myself, so while I know I am talented and can write, you will never hear me glory in my talents because as I see it everything I write could always be better), but I keep telling myself it's too high a goal to reach for, and I should keep trying to shoehorn myself into a corporate job.
But the reality is I loathe corporate life - it is endless hard work for very little gain, a toxic environment for creative types like me, and while some people love selling their souls for their career, I am not one of them. As my good friend, Francis reminded this morning as we trudged up the central hall way linking the buildings where I work, what's the point of trying to fashion a long corporate career when it's not what I want?
He's right, you know (well likely you don't, but trust me when I tell you, it's right, with a capital R, backed by a major publicity campaign, a parade on main street and floodlit at night all night RIGHT), and I need to somehow fashion a path to my future that involves me being a writer, and pur all the time and effort into that, while trying to find a short term job that will get me through the 2-3 years it will likely take me to finally get a writing careeer up and running.
I am at the point where it can't be pie-in-the-sky stuff anymore (the writing that is) but must become flesh-and-blood reality (there go the zombies again.... and I don't even like horror!) much sooner rather than later before I burst a gasket.... and trust me, after my outburst at a work bully recently which brought me no end of grief, when I burst gaskets, it ain't pretty....
Time is tick-tick-tockin' indeed....
posted by Andrew @ 3:46 PM
2 Comments:
Andrew, Hi. I know I've never commented on your blog before, but I felt this entry deserved a considered response. Unfortunately, my response won't help at all, but that isn't necessarily the point. But one of my favourite quotes (in terms of wanting to quote, not of sentiment) is "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation". (Henry David Thoreau - incidentally whose second last word was reported to be "moose"). I don't want to finish my life and feel that this reflects what I have done. However, most people don't have the luxury of not having to work, and I am of the belief that very few people actually enjoy the work they are paid to do. See, this doesn't help at all, except to say that you aren't alone in your musings....... With love from Rebecca
Hi Rebecca. Thanks for the comment! I do understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate the considered response - great quote btw - and I guess it just reinforces that the fact that life is too short to sit here feeling desperate. Life isn't perfect true and it isn't a festival of luxuriating in our wishes, hopes and desires, but I still can't help feeling that I should enjoy my work MUCH more than I do and should be at least trying to pursue my dreams of being a novelist etc. To just sit here and do nothing is a waste and an indictment....
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