I LIKE SMITING IN THE SPRINGTIME....

The following was sent to me by a very special friend, and while it resonated strongly with me because I am gay man who grew up in the Church as the son of a Baptist pastor (while having some admirable beliefs, Christianity far too judgemental much of the time, with no critical thinking going into why certain outdated tenets are adhered to) and struggled for years to reconcile my sexuality (real) with my faith (seriously flawed as it turns out), it also made me laugh so hard I was in danger of peeing my pants. No doubt there is a verse prohibiting this too!!

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Some enlightening Biblical guidelines for modern living:



In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlessinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.


The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, penned by a US
resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as
informative:


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Dear Dr Laura:


Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with
as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.


I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God's Laws and how to follow them.


1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her?


3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.


4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?


5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
Should I smite him?


7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?


8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?


9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)


I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.


Your adoring fan.


James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.


Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction and Special
Education University of Virginia


P.S. It would be a damn shame if we can't own a Canadian.