Hands Full of Glitter and Tofu : 2011 Day 132 (Thursday 12 May) - Eurovision Eve... Let the Sequins Start Falling!

Well its the day before the first semi final is telecast in Australia, and I am excited! I have downloaded all the songs, listened to them all at least twice - this can be a test of my musical fortitude but I am not dismayed if few of the songs impress me since the worse they are, the more fun we have! Nothing ruins Eurovision, or Oo-ro-vision as we lovingly call it, like actuall good songs! - and with my friend Kerry (who leaves we mere mortals who simply love Eurovision in the dust with her passion for the event) arriving tonight on a flight to kick off the festivities, which includes the big party on Sunday night, it's time to load the glitter cannons (seriously if I had access to one and a place to fire it, I would so use one!), sew the last threads on our faux-German red spandex leiderhausen, cook up the Bratwurst, and settle in for all the kitsch we can bear... and if past years are any guide, that's a hell of a lot of kitsch!

So, who am I really liking in amongst all the dross, mangled English lyrics, odd key changes and over emoting? Well, not the countries the bookies tell me I should be liking! Ever contrary and idiosyncratic, I have ignored the urging of members of the betting fraternity to back the UK or Hungary and I have instead chosen to go with the following countries, whose acts are among the few that I would happily repeatedly listen to....oh, and when I say listen, I mean not Coldplay listen repeatedly, more every now and again listen to when all my other albums have been destroyed in a fire of apocalyptic fury.. that kind of repeatedly...

(1) Running Scared - Ell & Nikki - AZERBAIJAN

While it starts out like any other piece of standard R & B-ish pop, there's something about the chorus kicking in, and the sweet blending of their voices that grabbed my attention. Plus Ell is cute. No, that doesn't affect how much I listen to the song but it's an added bonus, let's face it.

(2) Stranger - Lena - GERMANY

It's the first time I think that a country has had a 'defending champion' front up to try for the brass ring a second time, and while I thought it could only end in disaster, it's a very catchy song, and I have to admit, I really like the husky quality to her voice. I doubt they will win two years in a row, but it's a great song and enormously catchy. Yep, not Eurovision quality at all!

(3) Na Inat - Poli Genova - BULGARIA

Not a word of English, but it's catchy, a little bit quirky, has the requisite crowd of backing vocals, and a chorus that trips in all power ballad-ish and anthemic all at once. It's not normally a sound I like, and I am surprised I like it but I do. Maybe I still yearn for a Bonnie Tyler fix?

(4) Rockefeller Street - Getter Jaani - ESTONIA

The lyrics make little sense, but then that's true of just about anything on the charts, and not something that Eurovision can claim as it's own, and the chorus suddenly appears like a drunken relative at the wrong time at Christmas lunch after a meandering cutesy melody in the verses, but it's catchy, and I found myself humming, which is always a good sign. Possibly....

(5) Popular - Eric Saade - SWEDEN

OMG it's pop that as cheesy as hell, with enough musical gouda to fuel fondues for the next millenia, and a singer who makes my gay friends and I look heterosexual by contrast, but it's insanely catchy, fun, and should translate brilliantly well to the stage... and no, I didn't pick him because  of my current renewed ABBA obsession. No really, I didn't....

(6) Angel In Disguise - Musiqq - LATVIA


These men are obsessed with being killed by 'killer lips' and 'luscious thighs', clearly seeing sex as a blood sport of some kind (how underground, kinky and very Euro of them), but they also have a handle on an insanely catchy song that builds and build with a unique melody and words that actually make sense. 

I initially cast this musical contribution from one of my favourite Baltic countries into the middle of the road Eurovision void but listening to it again repeatedly as I prepare for the first semi final, I have either got Stockholm Syndrome from my sonic captors, or this song is seriously good and catchy. I think the latter is true, and I apologise here to Lithuania that I have picked Latvia and Estonia but not you in my top picks. I know after all that Soviet occupation, you deserve some loving too, but you’ll just have to hope it leaks across the border from Estonia and Latvia. (Yes I am aware that sentence sounds borderline objectionable on all sorts of levels but let’s assume I have nothing but pure motives in mind, which, of course, I do.). regardless of how good this song is, who can ignore a song where the singers refer to ‘killer kiss’ and ‘luscious thighs’ as motivating factors for their love for the titular supernatural being? Not this boyo who wants to meet this woman, assuming I could resist from helping myself to her ‘candy eyes’? I'm gay, yes, but they're 'candy eyes' people, and am a sugar-a-holic.... this could get messy. Best you don't watch....

(7) 
Almost made it....

Sognu - AmauryVassili - FRANCE

It's grandly operatic, beautiful, and appropriately heart-rending and inspiring all at once, and continues France's tradition of being the serious contender which has gravitas in the sort of qunatities other countries have pyrotechnic moments and unnecessary costume changes, and it almost made my top 5. I don't for a second think it can compete with the more commercial entrants but at least France can hold it's head high, feel culturally superior, and avoid paying for next year's Eurovision... win, win, win people!

Oh yes he's cute and looks great in stage bondage clothing....

So that's who I like but I hear you ask  (yes I am hearing voices now but I think that's from listening to Belarus's overtly nationalistic, summon the right wing nationalistic flag waving militias now...we invade Russia tommorrow! song one time too many), concerned that I am ignoring the fact that Eurovision is less about who you like, and far more about who is so appaling that you will making more camp, bitchy, and hopefully, side-splittingly hilarious comments per milli-second that there are yachts in Monaco's harbour, who makes you very glad that you are thousands of kilometres from Europe, and won't see them daily on European television. I appreciate the question, and would kiss you profusely for asking if it wasn't wildly inappropriate, and here's my considered, melody-deprived response....

(1) Lipstick - Jedward - IRELAND

It may be a catchy song - but then so is Hantavirus and we don't want to contract that now do we? - but the pair of singers, two men who laughably claim to be straight (in red metallic suits with swept up blond hair that is in danger of catching passing birds in flights? I don't think so, boys), are so over the top animated, and the melody so generically thumping that it can only be another blatant attempt by Ireland to avoid winning and paying for next year's show. So cringe-worthy are they that my Irish house mate says that people in Ireland are being encouraged to say that the guys are English. They must really hate them then!

P.S. It's two harrowing days later, after the first semi wowed us with multiple pyrotechnic bursts and needless costumes changes (and that was just in one act - thank you Croatia!), and after Blogger temporarily misplaced this blog posting to my absolute horror, and I have to say with just a little embarrassment that this song has really grown on me. Yes like mould, and I do feel quite dirty and in need of a good hard scrub in the shower, but it has to be said that this song is infectious and really kicks a pop punch! Yes we even danced to it...my shame is complete.

(2) Ding Dong - Dana International - ISRAEL

I would love to support a fellow GLBTI community member - Dana is Eurovision's most famous transgender personality - but the title is silly, melody generic, and while the Hebrew is beautiful and beguiling, it doesn't save the song from sounding like a 1973 Eurovision reject.

(3) Boom Boom – Emmy – ARMENIA / Haba Haba – Stella Mwangi – NORWAY / Da Da Dam – Paradise Oskar – FINLAND

Nothing, well apart from crazy costumes, mangled lyrics, odd group members, and unexpected pyrotechnics, and so much else of questionable taste, says Eurovision that wacky song titles. Now, I understand many are drawn from a particular language, and I have no wish to disparage anyone’s native tongue, but surely these song titles sound just as crazy in their language as they do to an English ear. I have a theory, and clearly it’s untested with no lab rats or control subjects for me to wilfully experiment on (I need a greater blog budget; hell, I need a budget full stop really), but I think everyone writing for Eurovision goes to the crazily unhinged part of their language and tries to find the weirdest piece of lexicon to throw at the good folk at Eurovision. It’s memorable sure, Of course, it could just be a nostalgic throwback to the 70 s era of odd song names,  but for serious artists (which many of them are), and granted, not so serious ones who front Eurovision, it makes them sound like demented pre-schoolers belting out a musical tantrum. I am fairly certain it’s not the look that the contributing countries are gunning for in their quest for Eurovision glory, and no matter how lovely or worthy the song, and Haba Haba does have a charm all its own, I am pinging them for silly song titles. Shallow yes, but then I am watching Eurovision am I not?

(4) I Love Belarus – Anastasiya Vinnikova – BELARUS

Ah jingoistic nationalistic fervour, you have invaded the Eurovision peace, love, and mung beans fest with all the aplomb of an invading army playing death metal and banging saucepans with all the fervour of a 2 year old on a sugar high. While I am sure dear lovely Anastasiya is a passionate patriot merely expressing her sweet untainted love for her country of birth, her song, frankly, has all the  innocent hand on heart fervour of a gathering of right wing nationalists whipping their fanatical followers into a mindless frenzy, with or without torches and pitchforks. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s a moving declaration of love for one’s country, but perception is everything,, and I can picture is Anasasiya leading her countrymen in a fast-paced into some far flung region of Russia, singing her heart out all the way.

(5) What About My Dreams – Kati Wolf – HUNGARY

Yes I know, Hungary is favoured  by more betting web sites than there are sequined stars in the sky, as one of the top 3 to win this year’s Eurovision contest, and I appreciate it’s a passionate, heartfelt song, belted out by a woman with astonishing vocal power, about a woman waking up to the worth of her own hopes and desires, and agreed, it will make a fantastic song for any one of a thousand cosmetically-caked drag queens in gay nightclubs the world over, but honestly this song irks me. Instead of an inspiring song of finding your destiny, and following your very own yellow brick road to cloud nine, ten, and eleven (with a brief stop at Puppyland, and Hallmark’s HQ), it comes across as a petulant demand by a pretty singer whinging about her lot in her life. Clearly she needs Tony Robbins or someone to help her out, and discover her inner whatever it is pretty Hungarian woman crave to be, but please do it in private. I’ll even pay your therapy fees. Actually know I won’t but it sounds lovely to offer that. 

Let the fun begin and may it be splattered with more sequins that a twink at Mardi Gras!